howdy buckaroos, it's been awhile since i've written eh.

well last week me, vat, richman, michael, chalk, and a bunch of other guys went to owens beach for a potluck [; haha noone brought no dayum food but we all had money so we went and shopped for food. at this point i was the only girl - again. haha it's weird, i always seem to be the only girl with a whole bunch of guys around. but it's coo - i'm used to it. i feel just like one of the guys, haha [; it's a nice feeling.

anyhoo, we got to the beach... it's not a very nice beach. the sand is pretty rough and there are a bunch of pebbles and logs everywhere. seeing the beach made me miss sydney. [; nevertheless, beaches are always picturesque to me and being near water always makes me feel good or at least thoughtful [okay, well more like ... a positive sort of 'pensive'?]. later on the other girls came and we ate then we played um... some kind of hide and seek / kick the can thing? it was hella fun! i thought i was gonna fall down a zillion times though 'cause we were up in the forest/woods part and it was sort of steep in some parts and pretty wet. but yeah, at this point i felt ... really happy? it was just a day out to have fun. i didn't have stupid shit on my mind [: good stuff. me and richman were hiding buddies :D hahaha it was hecka fun [: i finally felt like i had a group of friends who i truly felt comfortable with [here in america] and who i could have a good time with :D i felt so at peace (:

lessee... today clarisse, ana, richman, vat, j.r., and chonn played basketball after school. haha girls rock fosho :D we beat the guys asses. but then again, vat played for the girls side since we call him a girl :D but the point is WE BEAT THEM BOYS ;]

anyway, gotta go to twin tolo soon haha. i have this bruise/redmark on my face from bumping into richman's hardass head. *sniff* i'm waiting til my mummy comes home so i can ask her where her concealer/foundation stuff is so that when i take photos i won't have this blue and red splotch next to my eye

oh yeah... i'm accepted into the LEAD [Lincoln Exploration And Discovery Academy]. i think that's the small school [my school is splitting up into 7/8 small academies next year] with all the ap classes [; w00t w00t. the focus of the school will be arts, business, and some other stuff. only 30-45 people from junior and senior grades are being accepted into LEAD i think. w00pdy d0o0o0o0o000o

bye. life is good and i don't like thingamabob anymore. i just have this... 'slight admiration' for him, ya feel me? tooquiet/heprobablywouldntlikeme. enjoy the update, hah.

dangy        ROO (12:10:44 AM): don't go for him because ur mercurielle and he doesn't like you.

guess i shouldn't huh? roo says i should build defense walls and give up on the guy. i understand what he's trying to say. i'm just gonna end up getting hurt, right? i mean, even ana said so. "if you continue to like him you'll be heartbroken." i feel kind of heavy. i'm trying to do my world history project but my mind keeps wandering off. i'm kind of at the point where i don't care whether i'm depressed or happy. i just am - whatever it is that i am. usually if i'm upset, but "want to be positive", i act happy, but then what's the use when all i'm doing is pushing those unhappy thoughts out? they just come rushing back to me at the worst times anyway. i've realized that i think all this time i've sort of been denying that the times when i'm 'unnecessarily' depressed are the times i crave reassurance and some sort of cushioning. they're the times where i want to be acknowledged, and the things i do to be acknowledged too. argh it's weird. i don't wanna be depressed and now that i think about it, i don't need reassurance right now 'cause i know he doesn't and wouldn't like me and i know that i can be happy without him/being with him. so if i use my theory of 'how you feel depends on how you interpret', then i'm perfectly fine. um contradictory entry huh. yah, that's the way i am :\ 

one

edit: mmm then again... never mind. i'm just thinking back on hyunni's talk with me and i'm not gonna give up nor am i gonna 'pursue' him. i'm just gonna be myself, and get to know him just like any other person. bye [: